sorry it took so long but i had to let it marinate a little…

in the words of the great ricky bobby…”that just happened”…and it felt good…even better than that time i kissed deidre patterson on the playground as recess was wrapping up…don't tell her i told yall though...i was in the awest of awe as i drove through the streets of inglewood heading home after the election night watch party, i felt like the skies were a little clearer, the world a little brighter and the gun shots a little louder…did i mention i was in inglewood…i misplaced my list of “what not to do’s” on nov 5 so i’m sure i broke at least a couple of the rules…and for those who i may’ve offended…so what…we got a black president…

i was reminded that it still ain’t all good as my sister told me how she was introduced to the term “ossassination” as she left an election party in greenville sc where she had been campaigning for the new president elect…sobering as her story was it still wasn’t enough to steal my joy…at every party you’re gonna have ice and assholes…one of them always runs out too soon and the other one won’t run out soon enough…but the story did quickly remind me that all is not well…there are definitely some folks who aren’t as excited as i am about mr…i’m sorry…president elect obama’s recent victory…and here are a few other folks i could think of…

john mccain…for obvious reasons…he was this close to getting the government to buy 10 of his houses back…

republicans…just put your head down and tough it out…that’s what we’ve been doing the last 8 years…besides…you know there rule…puff puff pass…

missouri…you tried so hard to matter this time…

oprah winfrey…sorry, you’re no longer the most powerful black person in america…or are you…it’s kind of odd how barack’s campaign really took off after she anointed him “the one”…maybe barack was the first beneficiary of oprah’s new “black of the month” club…i hope i’m next…

racist people…you have got to feel a sea water, movie popcorn, extra iodized, excess lawry's in your glory greens, girl in the yellow rain coat, index finger tips after 73 store brand ruffle potato chips, poorly chlorinated pool water, bottom of the mcdonald's french fry bin, yellow snow, capital NA CL type of salty right now...get over it…you might as well start calling the white house africa…because on jan 20th , we’re all going back…and look at the bright side...he's half white too...but something tells me that's not enough for you...

undercover racist people…now you have a black president to go with your one black friend…

alaskan moose...she's coming back...run for your lives...

george w…sorry…this time we wanted our president to be smart…but you do know you had to REALLY screw up for this to happen…

smart black 1st graders at such and such elementary school…you gotta come up with a new goal to strive for now that first black president is already taken…first funny cast member of house of payne is still open though...

flava flav…there’s a real black male role model cutting into your tv time…and not a moment too soon…

dark skinned dudes…you had a nice run but you had to see the end coming when wesley snipes decided to stop paying his taxes and tiger woods won the masters…

lincoln and clinton…you’re now our 2nd and 3rd favorite presidents…but don't worry sanders you're still our favorite colonel…

the secret service…no sleep for the next 8 years…

the young thugs/bball allstars/rappers in training…what are you going to fall back on now…the way i see it, today your odds are the same to become president of the united states as they are to become mvp of the nba or the best rapper alive…now that i think about it, you don’t even have to be from here to win nba mvp… the days of shucking and cooning have to come to an end…so i suggest you put the pimp cup down, pull your pants up and start practicing that acceptance speech…we have an image to uphold…

barack obama…failing economy, ill fated war in iraq, pending beef with afghanistan, russia and north korea and real and chance with their own tv show…you done stepped in some deep ish now…but we’re all behind you…so don’t go getting all marion berry/kwame kilpatrick on us…if you get caught smoking crack, sleeping with members of your staff or anything else stupid there will be 66,602,400 individuals waiting outside to cut your nuts off…with jessie jackson being the first in line…


it’s a new day in america…and in black america especially…this is definitely not to take anything away from my white, latino and asian american brothers and sisters…it took us all to create this historic accomplishment…but my community descended from africans offloaded on eastern american shores for the soul purpose of being inferior…from the coast of west africa through the middle passage and slavery in the 1600’s…through the 3/5ths compromise of the late 1700’s…through partial emancipation in the 1800’s…through the rampant bigotry and lynching of the early 1900’s…through emmett till 4/28/55…the little rock 9 in 1957…malcolm x 2/21/65…mlk jr 4/4/68…through jheri curls and hammer pants…through lil john and flavor flav…to 11/4/08…to 1/20/09…back to 1600… pennsylvania avenue that is…plastic covered furniture and everything…but don't be fooled...there is still much work to do...but on january 20th there will be a party in washington dc the likes of which the world has never seen...you might say "hey...yall can't sell rhinestone obama tshirts at the washington monument or fire up the charcoal bbq at the lincoln memorial or c walk across the white house lawn"...and i simply reply..."yes we can"...

mikecraig...

ps...yall better not get any bbq sauce on lincoln's timbs...

i definitely don't want to get lumped into the group of folks that believe that barack obama's chances to win this election are severely limited solely based on the color of his skin...i know that there are extremely staunch republicans that wouldn't vote democratic if white jesus was running with creamy delectable parfait as his running mate...cause who could really vote against parfait...it is entirely possible that mccain and palin could have the remedy americans need (it is also possible sarah palin could end up in club nikki's giving a lap dance to a permless al sharpton while eating a veggie burger) but for those who believe that racism doesnt still play peek-aboo across this great nation of ours, i offer up the following words by tim wise...these points don't all scream racism...but several of them whisper it hotly like that lady that sat beside me at wicked this past weekend with the breath that smelled like feet, funyons and shut the f@ck up...i challenge you to read, reflect, breathe then respond...not necessarily to me or this posting...even to yourself...is there not a double standard at play here...

This is Your Nation on White Privilege
by Tim Wise
For those who still can't grasp the concept of white privilege, or who are constantly looking for some easy-to-understand examples of it, perhaps this list will help.

White privilege is when you can get pregnant at seventeen like Bristol Palin and everyone is quick to insist that your life and that of your family is a personal matter, and that no one has a right to judge you or your parents, because "every family has challenges," even as black and Latino families with similar "challenges" are regularly typified as irresponsible, pathological and arbiters of social decay.

White privilege is when you can call yourself a "mailto:f*@#kin redneck," like Bristol Palin's boyfriend does, and talk about how if anyone messes with you, you'll "kick their mailto:f*@#in ass," and talk about how you like to "shoot shit" for fun, and still be viewed as a responsible, all-American boy (and a great son-in-law to be) rather than a thug.

White privilege is when you can attend four different colleges in six years like Sarah Palin did (one of which you basically failed out of, then returned to after making up some coursework at a community college), and no one questions your intelligence or commitment to achievement, whereas a person of color who did this would be viewed as unfit for college, and probably someone who only got in in the first place because of affirmative action.

White privilege is when you can claim that being mayor of a town smaller than most medium-sized colleges, and then Governor of a state with about the same number of people as the lower fifth of the island of Manhattan, makes you ready to potentially be president, and people don't all piss on themselves with laughter, while being a black U.S. Senator, two-term state Senator, and constitutional law scholar, means you're "untested."

White privilege is being able to say that you support the words "under God" in the pledge of allegiance because "if it was good enough for the founding fathers, it's good enough for me," and not be immediately disqualified from holding office--since, after all, the pledge was written in the late 1800s and the "under God" part wasn't added until the 1950s--while believing that reading accused criminals and terrorists their rights (because, ya know, the Constitution, which you used to teach at a prestigious law school requires it), is a dangerous and silly idea only supported by mushy liberals.

White privilege is being able to be a gun enthusiast and not make people immediately scared of you.

White privilege is being able to have a husband who was a member of an extremist political party that wants your state to secede from the Union, and whose motto was "Alaska first," and no one questions your patriotism or that of your family, while if you're black and your spouse merely fails to come to a 9/11 memorial so she can be home with her kids on the first day of school, people immediately think she's being disrespectful.

White privilege is being able to make fun of community organizers and the work they do--like, among other things, fight for the right of women to vote, or for civil rights, or the 8-hour workday, or an end to child labor--and people think you're being pithy and tough, but if you merely question the experience of a small town mayor and 18-month governor with no foreign policy expertise beyond a class she took in college--you're somehow being mean, or even sexist.

White privilege is being able to convince white women who don't even agree with you on any substantive issue to vote for you and your running mate anyway, because all of a sudden your presence on the ticket has inspired confidence in these same white women, and made them give your party a "second look."

White privilege is being able to fire people who didn't support your political campaigns and not be accused of abusing your power or being a typical politician who engages in favoritism, while being black and merely knowing some folks from the old-line political machines in Chicago means you must be corrupt.

White privilege is being able to attend churches over the years whose pastors say that people who voted for John Kerry or merely criticize George W. Bush are going to hell, and that the U.S. is an explicitly Christian nation and the job of Christians is to bring Christian theological principles into government, and who bring in speakers who say the conflict in the Middle East is God's punishment on Jews for rejecting Jesus, and everyone can still think you're just a good church-going Christian, but if you're black and friends with a black pastor who has noted (as have Colin Powell and the U.S. Department of Defense) that terrorist attacks are often the result of U.S. foreign policy and who talks about the history of racism and its effect on black people, you're an extremist who probably hates America.

White privilege is not knowing what the Bush Doctrine is when asked by a reporter, and then people get angry at the reporter for asking you such a "trick question," while being black and merely refusing to give one-word answers to the queries of Bill O'Reilly means you're dodging the question, or trying to seem overly intellectual and nuanced.

White privilege is being able to claim your experience as a POW has anything at all to do with your fitness for president, while being black and experiencing racism is, as Sarah Palin has referred to it a "light" burden.

And finally, white privilege is the only thing that could possibly allow someone to become president when he has voted with George W. Bush 90 percent of the time, even as unemployment is skyrocketing, people are losing their homes, inflation is rising, and the U.S. is increasingly isolated from world opinion, just because white voters aren't sure about that whole "change" thing. Ya know, it's just too vague and ill-defined, unlike, say, four more years of the same, which is very concrete and certain.

White privilege is, in short, the problem.

I'm Just Sayin' by mikecraig...

…it’s football season…shut up…

dear wifey, live in girlfriend, live out girlfriend, chick i’m kinda seeing, chick i plan to meet between now and February,

i’m drafting this letter as a friendly reminder that in about a week’s time, football season will again be upon us. i thought this might be the proper time to reacquaint you with the rules of football season; some “do’s and don’ts” (but mostly don’ts) if you will. first of all, i want you to know how much i really care about you and how i love your new haircut, your new chest hair removal system and that dress you’re going to ask me about. there, that should answer every question you plan to ask me during the several games i plan on watching over the next 5 months. you see, football time is sacred…borderline religious and any attempt to interrupt the watching of it is akin to blasphemy. with that said, as long as the game is on, i don’t care if you have a headache, how cute number 89 is, what that bitch at work had the nerve to say/do, that you’re pregnant, that it’s not mine or that i don’t pay attention to you. you had all summer to tell me how i was screwing up our relationship. i didn’t listen to you then so what makes you think i’ll hear you now?

i should probably clear up a few more misconceptions. yes i can watch 5 games at one time. i will remember how my td’s l.t. had and not remember our wedding anniversary. one of those is going to make me money. the other, i’m still paying for. if you are able to wrestle me away from the television (which i wouldn’t even try) to attend some poorly planned wedding or baby shower don’t ask me if i’m having a good time because i am not. i will most likely be in some corner pressing buttons on my iphone. don’t worry. i’m not sending text messages to some floozy. i’m making sure the cowboys are covering the spread. if i get a whiff of a tv i will be drawn to it like rich black men to white chicks. but i will be easy to locate when it’s time to go home and get busy…cuz yeah…you owe me big for this one.

please don’t take this the wrong way. it’s not that i don’t love you. i just love football more…a lot more actually. but only because it’s been around longer and it never gets mad when i poot between the sheets. i understand if you decide to leave me. just know that i probably won’t notice until late January; that dead week between the conference championship games and the superbowl. and i probably won’t make a play to get you back until halftime of the pro bowl. it’s not nearly as exciting as the nba all star game which takes place the next weekend. oooh. so yeah, i probably won’t be coming after you until around march madness…dang…so maybe april; assuming i still remember your name…and i haven’t met another chick that actually likes football. those are my favorites.

why are you crying? no. i really do care for you. to prove it, i wrote you this poem.
roses are red
violets are blue
that boy darren mcfadden
is gonna be one bad dude…
so yeah, i look forward to staring at you blankly for the next few days. but after that……
sincerely yours,


the avid football fan

mike craig…

say it with me…he’s not that into you…

it’s been done before…on a grand scale…it was all the rage…the “in” thing to say…but for some reason, it just didn’t stick…there are a lot of you still playing this waiting game…hoping to figure out if this cat is really trying to be about you…let me make this simple…no…now I could go off and write another book on the subject or we can just cut through the bs and get directly to the point…it’s not that hard to let someone know that you’re feeling them…especially if you already know they’re feeling you…some of you are still looking at me confused…and I figured you’d do that so I’ve come up with a quick cheat sheet for you to follow…you can even print it out, laminate it and keep it in your nice expensive purse…here we go…again…this time pay attention…he’s not that into you if:

he’s consistently inconsistent…sometimes he acts like he likes you and sometimes he doesn’t…

his action never really seem to match his words…he says he wants you but treats you like a cousin…

he’s extremely difficult to catch up with…his job is not that stressful, his moms is not that sick, his baby mama ain’t tripping that hard and his car ain’t that raggedy…

none of your text messages ever seem to get through…

he never makes an effort to see you…yall only get together because you request it…

he hits you in the face (or anywhere else for that matter)…those aren’t love taps…

he never remembers anything you tell him…

he already has 4 kids by 3 different women…there may be a pattern developing here…

he talks to you about other female conquest…

he spends your entire date sending text messages to someone else…

he ask you to hook him up with one of your friends…

he’s already dating/sleeping with another one of your friends…

he routinely calls you other names…

he’s married…he’ll never leave his wife…it’s too expensive…

yall never go out for dates…only popcorn dinners and blockbuster movies…

all your “dates” start after 11:45 pm…or after the club…

he’s never there when you wake up the next morning…enough said…

you’ve never met his friends/family…

you meet his friends/family and they’ve never heard of you…

he seems to miss all these clues you’ve been dropping…he’s not that slow…

he likes trying on your clothes…again…enough said…

he’s a black man and you’re a black woman ;-)…that was a joke…don’t believe the hype ladies…

there are still a few of us that love your hips and lips…

please note…no single one of these signs means you’re fighting for a lost cause…but if you’ve checked off three or more, your “relationship” is probably a bit one-sided…but alas…all is not lost...i can tell you how to get him/keep him interested....oh dang…looks like my time is up…guess that's another blog for another day...

mikecraig…

http://www.youreablackwoman.com/

the big one 7/29/08

so it's 11:40-ish in the am and i'm sitting at my desk trying to find new innovative ways to look busy while at the same time wasting company money when all of a sudden it happened...i pooted...don't judge me...i have my own office...i wasn't expecting any visitors and any visitors that may've shown up should've called first...i digress...as the poot was lacing it's way through the denim to join his friends and family at the poot reunion that is my office chair, i felt a bit of a rumble...but this one wasn't from the inside...my first thought was that the rapture had begun and jesus had picked up our building to take it to the promise land and was trying to find a way to shake me out of it...but then reality set in...he wouldn't do that...he loves me...this i know...cuz the bible tells me so...it then dawned on me...i wasn't the only one pooting then...apparently the earths crust had a little energy it needed to release as well...it was indeed, my first earthquake experience...since we've never had an earthquake drill, i was a bit puzzled as to what my next move should be...should i jump in the door frame, jump under the desk or just stuff my pockets with all of my desk drawer candy so that after la was destroyed i could rise from the rubble as the king of suckers and breath mints...while stuck in decision making mode i realized that the shaking had stopped...and the aftershocks were now occurring 2 inches behind my left nipple...

i checked my extremities...my face...my neck...my back...my uh just like that...dammit...i hate when that happens...anyway...all seemed to be in tact...so then i grabbed my back pack and set out to do what all la inhabitants do in times like these...loot...a little weighted down by all the candy , i jumped through the window of our company store like the dude at the beginning of wanted...i then bounced to my feet and started grabbing all the lawry's and vaseline cocoa body butter i (and my satchel) could hold...then i made a dash out to the parking lot so i could off load the goods in my get away car...imagine my surprise when i get to the parking lot and realize all of my co-workers waiting patiently at the "pre-established safe points"...looking at me like i done stole something...shit...it's pretty easy to catch looters when there's only one of them...so yeah...i may be in need of some legal assistance...

in any event...thanks to those who checked in on me...and to those that didn't...i'm fine...no thanks to you...my crib was cool...so was cryspus attucks and the rest of my belongings...halle and the baby are fine as well...i kinda felt sorry for all of the news reporters though...scouring the city for that good footage...but all they kept showing was the same grocery store aisle with the 3 tubes of toothpaste tragically laid out on the floor...

this morning i heard them saying that quakes like that one are sometimes precursors to larger more destructive ones...which also means that sometimes they're not...i'm kinda hoping for the latter...my drawers can't take any more soil...

i've attached the action shots from yesterdays ordeal...the first one is a reenactment of the look on my face during the quake...the second one captures all of the destruction that beset my office...oh yeah..let me know if you need any seasoning salt or body butter...i'm just sayin...



mikecraig…

who voted on this one...

you see...i was wit it when we decided we wanted to get our hair all greasy and curly...and i was right there when we decided it was cool to spin on our backs on strategically placed pieces of cardboard...and i was all in favor when we took on rap as our primary form of communication...i even tagged along when we decided to start wearing our pants 2, 3, 6 sizes too big...i was cool with putting shiny shit on our cars...rode along when they started spinning...i got a little concerned when we decided that 1 out of every 6 of us needed spend some time in prison...but i'm pretty sure i'm not gonna be able to follow along with this one...actually i'm for damned certain i'm gonna have to sit this one out...it's the latest craze sweeping through the african american male community...it's life on the DL...aka part time gay...aka POKEr night...aka the "how can i most effectively spread aids through my community" contest...aka "no honey, my booty always looked like this"...

i had to draw the line somewhere and this is the perfect place to do so...first of all (let's pretend there was no paragraph before this)...let me make one thing clear...i don't have a problem with homosexuality...i don't necessarily understand it, but if a man finds fun in another man's hairy doo doo cavern...that's between that man and that cave...it ain't really my place to judge that...and if god thinks it's wrong i'm sure he'll think of a more direct route to express his disdain than some bumper sticker with a reference to adam and steve...but my thing is, if you're gonna be gay...don't be gay about it...be a man...and stand up for your ass affinity...don't take your dookie dong back to your unsuspecting wife...as if some how her 'love' can wash away your attraction to other men...what you will actually do is drop off some pain and possibly a major life span reduction...

the thing that kills me, is that these cats will truly believe they're not gay...but by definition, if you're laying up with someone that has the same tools as you...you are indeed homosexual...don't believe me?..look at the term homosexual...and trace it back to it's latin roots...homo...derived from homorous means "i like' ...and sexual, derived from sezualle means "man booty big and small"...ok so maybe i made that up, but you're still gay...so stop denying it...and stop starting these families with extra step-dads...and stop bringing aids into our community...basically, stop bullshitting...just gon ahead be gay...and let's just go back to regular cheating and families on the side...and please let me know when the next black male fad meeting is so i can at least have a say in what we're going to consider cool next...

mikecraig…
http://www.youreablackwoman.com/

reunited and it feels so good...

there has been a lot of chatter coming from dejected hilary clinton supporters in recent weeks about their desire to throw their support behind some guy named mccain...these ladies (and i think i saw a gay guy on larry king too)have cited senator clinton's mistreatment throughout the democratic primary season as the main reason for dipping out on the donkey party...and frankly...i don't understand...i agree that there were several outrageous comments made about clinton...but most of these were shot out by right winged political pundits who drew joy from seeing the democratic party come apart at the seams...and this is who you're going to let steer your voting boat...furthermore...when was the last time the republican party invited a woman to the convention for anything other than drink serving and lap dancing...you're foolish to believe that since your candidate lost a fair hotly contested battle that your needs would be better served by old man mccain...both obama and clinton have admitted on several occassions that the policy differences between them were miniscule at best...a mere rounding error in this argument of foreign policy, healthcare and tax breaks for the average working american...if you're looking for a change on any of these fronts, the republican party is definitely not the place to look...it's kinda like looking for allen iverson's name on the list of honoroary klan inductees this year...probably won't find it...i know the race was grueling, the loss extremely painful but we can't allow that to change what we all agreed were the right next steps for this country to take...we must bring the troops home...we have to put money back into the households that really need it and we definitely have to make sure that the most powerful country on the face of the planet has health care for all of its inhabitants...so if you're considering switching...don't do it...reconsider...read some literature...on the subject...you sure...well kuf it...cause essentially that's what you're saying to the policies and ideals senator clinton has been fighting for these last 19+ months...