Wednesday, July 30, 2008



the big one 7/29/08






so it's 11:40-ish in the am and i'm sitting at my desk trying to find new innovative ways to look busy while at the same time wasting company money when all of a sudden it happened...i pooted...don't judge me...i have my own office...i wasn't expecting any visitors and any visitors that may've shown up should've called first...i digress...as the poot was lacing it's way through the denim to join his friends and family at the poot reunion that is my office chair, i felt a bit of a rumble...but this one wasn't from the inside...my first thought was that the rapture had begun and jesus had picked up our building to take it to the promise land and was trying to find a way to shake me out of it...but then reality set in...he wouldn't do that...he loves me...this i know...cuz the bible tells me so...it then dawned on me...i wasn't the only one pooting then...apparently the earths crust had a little energy it needed to release as well...it was indeed, my first earthquake experience...since we've never had an earthquake drill, i was a bit puzzled as to what my next move should be...should i jump in the door frame, jump under the desk or just stuff my pockets with all of my desk drawer candy so that after la was destroyed i could rise from the rubble as the king of suckers and breath mints...while stuck in decision making mode i realized that the shaking had stopped...and the aftershocks were now occurring 2 inches behind my left nipple...

i checked my extremities...my face...my neck...my back...my uh just like that...dammit...i hate when that happens...anyway...all seemed to be in tact...so then i grabbed my back pack and set out to do what all la inhabitants do in times like these...loot...a little weighted down by all the candy , i jumped through the window of our company store like the dude at the beginning of wanted...i then bounced to my feet and started grabbing all the lawry's and vaseline cocoa body butter i (and my satchel) could hold...then i made a dash out to the parking lot so i could off load the goods in my get away car...imagine my surprise when i get to the parking lot and realize all of my co-workers waiting patiently at the "pre-established safe points"...looking at me like i done stole something...shit...it's pretty easy to catch looters when there's only one of them...so yeah...i may be in need of some legal assistance...

in any event...thanks to those who checked in on me...and to those that didn't...i'm fine...no thanks to you...my crib was cool...so was cryspus attucks and the rest of my belongings...halle and the baby are fine as well...i kinda felt sorry for all of the news reporters though...scouring the city for that good footage...but all they kept showing was the same grocery store aisle with the 3 tubes of toothpaste tragically laid out on the floor...

this morning i heard them saying that quakes like that one are sometimes precursors to larger more destructive ones...which also means that sometimes they're not...i'm kinda hoping for the latter...my drawers can't take any more soil...


i've attached the action shots from yesterdays ordeal...the first one is a reenactment of the look on my face during the quake...the second one captures all of the destruction that beset my office...oh yeah..let me know if you need any seasoning salt or body butter...i'm just sayin...



mikecraig…

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

who voted on this one...

you see...i was wit it when we decided we wanted to get our hair all greasy and curly...and i was right there when we decided it was cool to spin on our backs on strategically placed pieces of cardboard...and i was all in favor when we took on rap as our primary form of communication...i even tagged along when we decided to start wearing our pants 2, 3, 6 sizes too big...i was cool with putting shiny shit on our cars...rode along when they started spinning...i got a little concerned when we decided that 1 out of every 6 of us needed spend some time in prison...but i'm pretty sure i'm not gonna be able to follow along with this one...actually i'm for damned certain i'm gonna have to sit this one out...it's the latest craze sweeping through the african american male community...it's life on the DL...aka part time gay...aka POKEr night...aka the "how can i most effectively spread aids through my community" contest...aka "no honey, my booty always looked like this"...

i had to draw the line somewhere and this is the perfect place to do so...first of all (let's pretend there was no paragraph before this)...let me make one thing clear...i don't have a problem with homosexuality...i don't necessarily understand it, but if a man finds fun in another man's hairy doo doo cavern...that's between that man and that cave...it ain't really my place to judge that...and if god thinks it's wrong i'm sure he'll think of a more direct route to express his disdain than some bumper sticker with a reference to adam and steve...but my thing is, if you're gonna be gay...don't be gay about it...be a man...and stand up for your ass affinity...don't take your dookie dong back to your unsuspecting wife...as if some how her 'love' can wash away your attraction to other men...what you will actually do is drop off some pain and possibly a major life span reduction...

the thing that kills me, is that these cats will truly believe they're not gay...but by definition, if you're laying up with someone that has the same tools as you...you are indeed homosexual...don't believe me?..look at the term homosexual...and trace it back to it's latin roots...homo...derived from homorous means "i like' ...and sexual, derived from sezualle means "man booty big and small"...ok so maybe i made that up, but you're still gay...so stop denying it...and stop starting these families with extra step-dads...and stop bringing aids into our community...basically, stop bullshitting...just gon ahead be gay...and let's just go back to regular cheating and families on the side...and please let me know when the next black male fad meeting is so i can at least have a say in what we're going to consider cool next...

mikecraig…
http://www.youreablackwoman.com/