Thursday, January 07, 2010

2009 status updates --revisited...


thanks to a "facebook user" who has begged to remain anonymous, i now have a more comprehensive list of my 2009 statuses...at least the ones they liked...so if you ever find yourself wondering exactly what i was thinking on june 13th 2009...well...you'll have to keep wondering because these don't have any dates on them...and actually...some of these i don't even remember...

when I’m alone in my room sometimes i stare at the wall…and in the back of my mind i hear my conscience call…but i never pick up…

...on a hundred thousand trill....let's just say it's up there...

needs a hype man to fill these awkward pauses in his twitter/facebook activity...jerome...where's my mirror...

is mcsancho...

wants to find a nice clean patch of grass to hump...trying to make mother earth feel good on her big day... happy earth day…

is about to break up with the work week...it's not you it's m....wait...actually it is all you...

is trying to put the 'hump' back in 'hump day'...get ur mind out of the gutter...i'm talking about going camel shopping...

yeah being black is cool but i'm just glad we have a president that actually sounds like he comes up with his own answers...

swine flu got me scared to shake hands...all controversial fist bumps and booty pats for a while...good play mr. janitor...good play...

thinks boston and chicago will have to play game 7 on xbox...

leaned over and kissed the work week gently on the cheek...he has no intentions of being around when she wakes up...deuces...

wants to befriend la weather on facebook...

my seis de mayo is really upset with my cinco de mayo right now...

is pouring out a little black tea for the big homie m.e.c. (5/11/52 - 4/25/86)...don't worry...i got it...

went to turn his swag on this morning only to realize he had left it on the night before...swag bill is gonna be sky high this month...

is the most interesting man in his apartment...

finally got around to slumdog millionaire...that jamal doo doo dive...premium theatrics...oh...and add freida pinto to my christmas list...

is still listing "commitment" as an area of opportunity...

dear workweek, after carefully reviewing ur application I have decided to move in a different direction...

just dusted off the clubs and got his young tiger woods on...really young...like the "still in the womb" version...

i just put on mint deo that i didn't even know i owned...now i smell like i got jumped by a box of altoids...still fonky fresh though...

did my security guard just try to sell me weed...gotta work on looking more professional and snitch-like...

is about to cop some school clothes...jc pennys here we come...cue the theme music...

apparently my neighbors are afraid the lakers won't be able to find their way back to staples...setting fires to generate smoke signals...

is currently being lectured to by mon morning on the ills of sun night tomfoolery...and bacon wrapped hotdogs...

wonders what was the key ingredient in scooby snacks that made them so delectable to dogs and humans alike...

mr. pillow, please let my head go...there is still much work to do...

dear beyonce...replace "a ring" with "your thing" then we can talk...that is all...

the 'the way you make me feel' video really taught me how to stalk...

just got laid off...and a star wars lunch box...life is good...

the scent of my imminent unemployment fills the air...it smells of rich mahogany, sweet jasmine and beef flavored ramen...

must not get that many handsome gents in purcell ok...folks in the shell station staring at me like I was glowing...

feels like god has the heat lamp focused on dallas to keep us hot so he doesn't have to make up a new batch of humans today...

I think the sign that said 'clean restrooms' was more of a suggestion than a declaration...alabama stand up...

8 days 12 states 5 time zone changes...and now an internship interview...just hope i packed my red bull colonge and amp aftershave...

just found an atl el pollo loco and one tear sprinted down my left cheek and leaped onto my pant leg...this must be what love feels like...

wishes beyonce would get fat so she could no longer fit into my dreams...

dear atl, I'm almost finished unpacking...please ready the rose petals and red carpets...

ladies...dark nail polish makes it look like you've been thumping homeless people...with all fingers...if that's even possible...

is in desperate need of a haircut...i feel like i have on a mink beret...

wondering if donating old football cleats might give some crackhead an inordinate advantage over the already undermanned atl police force...

having a washer and dryer in the crib definitely changed the clean/dirty standards...

is packing for this wilderness trip...where did i put my ax murderer repellent...

jesus loves me...this i know...for the $1.99 whole rotisserie chickens at boston market tell me so...

just got back from "hooping" ...now i'm trying to find a way to put bandages on my lungs because i'm sure they're broken...

just lost another game of bathtub marco polo...

are urinal separators really that expensive...

"no offense but offensive ish offensive ish offensive ish..."

note to self...usain bolt is not a good pick pocket target...

those nobel prize things seem cool...anybody know where i can get one...oh wait...you're suppose to work for it...hmmm....

is about to hit the gym...and by "hit" i mean think about going then come up with something else to do...like hit the books...yeah...

i just had a long talk with myself...but i just tuned it out...

I both salute and detest you mr. open bar inventor...

keep on...put ya rhinestones on...don't stop til you get enough...

thinkin about the good ole days when i was a whippersnapper...used to try to get a kiss but now...now i just take old man naps...

on bourbon st...I'm pretty sure this is how 7am flights get missed...

i'm a grown man...my leg don't "stank"...and my booty don't " do"...just thought you should know...

you can get with this or you can get with that...i'll give you a couple minutes to discuss amongst yourselves...

thanks to delta air your boy was at target at 8am copping an interview suit...the tarmani was cold but will probably never be worn again...

obama should bring oregon's lagarrette blount to the next cong address to cut down on some of that chatter...

econ final tomorrow and i'm realizing jack daniels is not a productive member of any study group...

waffle house is the meeting spot for people who shouldn't be making their own life decisions...

when ur fire alarm goes off before ur regular alarm a small piece of u kinda hopes the building is really on fire...

dear god, please give chick fil a the ok to stay open on sundays so that i may more oft enjoy its glorious deliciousness...amen...

there's something in jack daniels that makes me crave pancakes...I smell a joint venture...this is what they teach us in b school...

is about to get back on this paper after taking 15 consecutive 10 minute breaks...

dang...i meant to get my sexy out of the cleaners this weekend so i could wear it to school tomorrow...

obama is a nazi? stupidity must be on sale this week...

2 yrs for plax...the nfl is turning into the prison d-league...

i got a naked picture of serena williams in the mail today....thanks #espnthemagazine...

but seriously...I've never seen a bathroom attendant and said 'hey I'm glad u're here...

the jheri curl era was a dark period in african american history...

when life hands you lemons, take them and throw them at people you don't like...glenn beck you better start ducking...

can i sue oprah if she violates me in a dream...

sometimes I wish my life had family guy cut-aways...

finance instead of football on a saturday afternoon is not the way god intended...i'm never going back to bschool again...

if i was your accountant...you'd probably end up in jail...i'm just sayin...

done with my exams now I'm looking for my shot like von wafer...

my ego will be in them streets tonight while i'll probably be at home reading text from him about how well the eve is going...

she smells like fresh bath water...

i am convinced that the best sleep occurs on mon morning in the 17 minutes before the alarm goes off...

my procrastination procrastinates...

I'm starting to think the red plastic solo cup is one of my classmates...he keeps showing up at all of our functions...

my life is like a movie for people with low expectations for their entertainment...

i'm sitting at home...dressed as a disappointment to my younger self...happy halloween

the dc sniper was executed by lethal injection...where's a good sniper when you actually need one...

just shared morning special time with 2 ladies...aunt jemima and mrs. butterworth...yaawn...don't judge me...

she's little and cute...I want to make her my belt buckle..

no matter how short, thanksgiving grace is always too long...

tiger...let me hold that phone while you get your life together...it's getting cold in the a...

them streets keep callin...I'm trying to pretend like I'm not home but I don't think it's working...

no more oprah...now where do I go for names of books I've never read to discuss on first dates...at least she gave us a 10 mo warning...

still awaiting the day you can have a signal fade/call drop during an in person conversations so i can start faking them too...

nickels bigger than dimes so that u can more easily relate the nickel vs dime concept to the club scene...

preparing to lay with this accounting final...after that, I plan to never call her again...

upstairs neighbors made jungle love this morning while i spooned my finance book...but i gotta feeling finance will be screwing me soon...

final paper turned in...I'm now officially qualified to run a quarter of ur business...time to bathe in cognac...

most people ask why...I ask why not tonight...

techno music makes me want to headbutt something sharp...

u ever pause & think about how good your life is and then realize u're actually thinking about an episode of entourage and begin to weep...

techno makes me want to hunch an active beehive...and I mean that...

almost bought a snuggie last night...and by snuggie i mean a street walker that went by the name "snuggie"...but i held off..cuz i'm poor...

me and techno music met to discuss our issues this morning and decided in order to keep the peace we should just keep our distance...

so I hate when u park...leave ur coat...drink...forget where u parked...and die from hypothermia...yeah I hate that...

u might not think I invented it but u'll know I read the manual a few times...

the sign says 'employees must wash hands' but the empty soap dispenser kinda cripples that mandate...btw...u can keep those nuggets...

y does Santa have to be so thorough with his list checking...I'm good with the 1st pass but that 2nd check always gets me eliminated...

'taco bueno' should be called 'taco ok' or the spanish equivalent...bueno is definitely a bit of an overstatement...

sweet smells emanating from the kitchen...i'm ready to engage in some animal cruelty with my 3 favorite ladies...merry christmas people...

just a friend made me feel sorry for b markie until I realized he tried to talk to a girl named blah blah blah...that's never a good look...

i got rollover resolutions...why come up with new ones when the ones from last year are just like new...

if chick-fil-a were a woman I would leave inappropriate comments on her facebook page...

just touched down in miami...the plan is to start off 2010 in debt, in love and in-ebriated...

lisa raye just asked me for my number...or she said excuse me...I couldn't really tell...

4 am and I'm throwing on my wingman uniform...

ladies u still have about 12 hrs to fulfill that 09 resolution of meeting the man of ur dreams...ahem...

last night I lost the car...this morning I remembered I didn't have one...whew...

just bumped into my archnemesis the bathroom attendant and once again he shorted me on paper towels...

I'm sorry 2009...it's not u...it's me...ah haaaa...


Wednesday, September 16, 2009


excuse me...i mean president carter... man did you start some ish...you must have known that the biggest curse word in the american english vocabulary is racism...you do know that is just a social myth right...in this great melting pot we live in, everyone is respected for their own individual value and no one is ever mistreated or discounted due to their ethnic or religious backgrounds (cou-bullshit-gh)...i love this country and not just because it has a black president...i also loved it when i was smashing sno-cones under reagan, rocking cross colours under the first bush, shooting jumpers over clinton and buying expensive club liquor under bush the sequel...baaallin...but as american's, we must understand that as wonderful as our country is, it still has its flaws...some of which have gotten a lot better over time...but it is ok to discuss those flaws from time to time...bring them up if for nothing more than to remind us that we still have some things to work on...nothing is great all the time...i mean even beyonce gets morning breath...don't ask me how i know...

but it really is funny to me how the first people to jump up and discount the impact racism still has in our society are those least likely to have ever encountered it...i don't know if rep wilson is racist...i do know that he stood in support of keeping the confederate flag proudly waiving in his home state's capital city...oh yeah but that was about heritage not hate (cou-bullshit-gh...sorry...i think i'm coming down with the truth flu)...i also know that we always let president bush at least get his lies fully pronounced before trying to talk to him about them...dick cheney's "quail" gun kinda saw to that...it just might be time for obama to get a deterrent of his own because nancy pelosi isn’t cutting it…i’m throwing in legarrete blount formerly of the oregon univ football team for first offenses and kimbo slice for repeat offenders…we’ll call it the 2 strike law…i think i just digressed from my digression...so i'll just give up on this paragraph...

but seriously…i am in no way stating that criticism of president obama's fiscal policies, new health care plan or choice of ties is based on a disdain for african americans as a whole...a lot of us don't even where ties...but i am saying that proclaiming that "we want our country back" at a health care town hall meeting makes you at best as dumb as box of multicultural rocks (and i don’t mean pop rocks because those were friggin delicious under reagan as well)...and at worst, something a little more sinister...if you have a better plan let's discuss that...let's kill all of that hyperbolic bs and unnecessary fear mongering so the government can get something accomplished for a change...and if you know a better tie designer, send him the link to that website...but if you're just upset because you're sure obama is shipping america over to his real kenyan parents and muslim smoking buddies one brick at a time, please do as the man with the tired donkey...and sit your ass down...that was harsh, i know...here's a gentler plan...i'll scoop doc brown, macgyver, some paper clips, a few bubble gum wrappers and a flux capacitor and we'll build a time machine to take you back to october 13, 2008...the day before you got laid off from the dumb idea factory...or whatever job you had in dumbbutnotracist, s.c....oh and take a piece of kanye's ego with you...he's turning into such a big eh eh eh asshole...i'm just sayin...

now i must run before the business school warden finds out i'm using my computer to both ruin my “brand” and communicate with the outside world...

you know who…

Thursday, November 13, 2008


sorry it took so long but i had to let it marinate a little…

in the words of the great ricky bobby…”that just happened”…and it felt good…even better than that time i kissed deidre patterson on the playground as recess was wrapping up…don't tell her i told yall though...i was in the awest of awe as i drove through the streets of inglewood heading home after the election night watch party, i felt like the skies were a little clearer, the world a little brighter and the gun shots a little louder…did i mention i was in inglewood…i misplaced my list of “what not to do’s” on nov 5 so i’m sure i broke at least a couple of the rules…and for those who i may’ve offended…so what…we got a black president…

i was reminded that it still ain’t all good as my sister told me how she was introduced to the term “ossassination” as she left an election party in greenville sc where she had been campaigning for the new president elect…sobering as her story was it still wasn’t enough to steal my joy…at every party you’re gonna have ice and assholes…one of them always runs out too soon and the other one won’t run out soon enough…but the story did quickly remind me that all is not well…there are definitely some folks who aren’t as excited as i am about mr…i’m sorry…president elect obama’s recent victory…and here are a few other folks i could think of…

john mccain…for obvious reasons…he was this close to getting the government to buy 10 of his houses back…

republicans…just put your head down and tough it out…that’s what we’ve been doing the last 8 years…besides…you know there rule…puff puff pass…

missouri…you tried so hard to matter this time…

oprah winfrey…sorry, you’re no longer the most powerful black person in america…or are you…it’s kind of odd how barack’s campaign really took off after she anointed him “the one”…maybe barack was the first beneficiary of oprah’s new “black of the month” club…i hope i’m next…

racist people…you have got to feel a sea water, movie popcorn, extra iodized, excess lawry's in your glory greens, girl in the yellow rain coat, index finger tips after 73 store brand ruffle potato chips, poorly chlorinated pool water, bottom of the mcdonald's french fry bin, yellow snow, capital NA CL type of salty right now...get over it…you might as well start calling the white house africa…because on jan 20th , we’re all going back…and look at the bright side...he's half white too...but something tells me that's not enough for you...

undercover racist people…now you have a black president to go with your one black friend…

alaskan moose...she's coming back...run for your lives...

george w…sorry…this time we wanted our president to be smart…but you do know you had to REALLY screw up for this to happen…

smart black 1st graders at such and such elementary school…you gotta come up with a new goal to strive for now that first black president is already taken…first funny cast member of house of payne is still open though...

flava flav…there’s a real black male role model cutting into your tv time…and not a moment too soon…

dark skinned dudes…you had a nice run but you had to see the end coming when wesley snipes decided to stop paying his taxes and tiger woods won the masters…

lincoln and clinton…you’re now our 2nd and 3rd favorite presidents…but don't worry sanders you're still our favorite colonel…

the secret service…no sleep for the next 8 years…

the young thugs/bball allstars/rappers in training…what are you going to fall back on now…the way i see it, today your odds are the same to become president of the united states as they are to become mvp of the nba or the best rapper alive…now that i think about it, you don’t even have to be from here to win nba mvp… the days of shucking and cooning have to come to an end…so i suggest you put the pimp cup down, pull your pants up and start practicing that acceptance speech…we have an image to uphold…

barack obama…failing economy, ill fated war in iraq, pending beef with afghanistan, russia and north korea and real and chance with their own tv show…you done stepped in some deep ish now…but we’re all behind you…so don’t go getting all marion berry/kwame kilpatrick on us…if you get caught smoking crack, sleeping with members of your staff or anything else stupid there will be 66,602,400 individuals waiting outside to cut your nuts off…with jessie jackson being the first in line…


it’s a new day in america…and in black america especially…this is definitely not to take anything away from my white, latino and asian american brothers and sisters…it took us all to create this historic accomplishment…but my community descended from africans offloaded on eastern american shores for the soul purpose of being inferior…from the coast of west africa through the middle passage and slavery in the 1600’s…through the 3/5ths compromise of the late 1700’s…through partial emancipation in the 1800’s…through the rampant bigotry and lynching of the early 1900’s…through emmett till 4/28/55…the little rock 9 in 1957…malcolm x 2/21/65…mlk jr 4/4/68…through jheri curls and hammer pants…through lil john and flavor flav…to 11/4/08…to 1/20/09…back to 1600… pennsylvania avenue that is…plastic covered furniture and everything…but don't be fooled...there is still much work to do...but on january 20th there will be a party in washington dc the likes of which the world has never seen...you might say "hey...yall can't sell rhinestone obama tshirts at the washington monument or fire up the charcoal bbq at the lincoln memorial or c walk across the white house lawn"...and i simply reply..."yes we can"...
mikecraig...
ps...yall better not get any bbq sauce on lincoln's timbs...

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

i definitely don't want to get lumped into the group of folks that believe that barack obama's chances to win this election are severely limited solely based on the color of his skin...i know that there are extremely staunch republicans that wouldn't vote democratic if white jesus was running with creamy delectable parfait as his running mate...cause who could really vote against parfait...it is entirely possible that mccain and palin could have the remedy americans need (it is also possible sarah palin could end up in club nikki's giving a lap dance to a permless al sharpton while eating a veggie burger) but for those who believe that racism doesnt still play peek-aboo across this great nation of ours, i offer up the following words by tim wise...these points don't all scream racism...but several of them whisper it hotly like that lady that sat beside me at wicked this past weekend with the breath that smelled like feet, funyons and shut the f@ck up...i challenge you to read, reflect, breathe then respond...not necessarily to me or this posting...even to yourself...is there not a double standard at play here...

This is Your Nation on White Privilege
by Tim Wise
For those who still can't grasp the concept of white privilege, or who are constantly looking for some easy-to-understand examples of it, perhaps this list will help.

White privilege is when you can get pregnant at seventeen like Bristol Palin and everyone is quick to insist that your life and that of your family is a personal matter, and that no one has a right to judge you or your parents, because "every family has challenges," even as black and Latino families with similar "challenges" are regularly typified as irresponsible, pathological and arbiters of social decay.

White privilege is when you can call yourself a "mailto:f*@#kin redneck," like Bristol Palin's boyfriend does, and talk about how if anyone messes with you, you'll "kick their mailto:f*@#in ass," and talk about how you like to "shoot shit" for fun, and still be viewed as a responsible, all-American boy (and a great son-in-law to be) rather than a thug.

White privilege is when you can attend four different colleges in six years like Sarah Palin did (one of which you basically failed out of, then returned to after making up some coursework at a community college), and no one questions your intelligence or commitment to achievement, whereas a person of color who did this would be viewed as unfit for college, and probably someone who only got in in the first place because of affirmative action.

White privilege is when you can claim that being mayor of a town smaller than most medium-sized colleges, and then Governor of a state with about the same number of people as the lower fifth of the island of Manhattan, makes you ready to potentially be president, and people don't all piss on themselves with laughter, while being a black U.S. Senator, two-term state Senator, and constitutional law scholar, means you're "untested."

White privilege is being able to say that you support the words "under God" in the pledge of allegiance because "if it was good enough for the founding fathers, it's good enough for me," and not be immediately disqualified from holding office--since, after all, the pledge was written in the late 1800s and the "under God" part wasn't added until the 1950s--while believing that reading accused criminals and terrorists their rights (because, ya know, the Constitution, which you used to teach at a prestigious law school requires it), is a dangerous and silly idea only supported by mushy liberals.

White privilege is being able to be a gun enthusiast and not make people immediately scared of you.

White privilege is being able to have a husband who was a member of an extremist political party that wants your state to secede from the Union, and whose motto was "Alaska first," and no one questions your patriotism or that of your family, while if you're black and your spouse merely fails to come to a 9/11 memorial so she can be home with her kids on the first day of school, people immediately think she's being disrespectful.

White privilege is being able to make fun of community organizers and the work they do--like, among other things, fight for the right of women to vote, or for civil rights, or the 8-hour workday, or an end to child labor--and people think you're being pithy and tough, but if you merely question the experience of a small town mayor and 18-month governor with no foreign policy expertise beyond a class she took in college--you're somehow being mean, or even sexist.

White privilege is being able to convince white women who don't even agree with you on any substantive issue to vote for you and your running mate anyway, because all of a sudden your presence on the ticket has inspired confidence in these same white women, and made them give your party a "second look."

White privilege is being able to fire people who didn't support your political campaigns and not be accused of abusing your power or being a typical politician who engages in favoritism, while being black and merely knowing some folks from the old-line political machines in Chicago means you must be corrupt.

White privilege is being able to attend churches over the years whose pastors say that people who voted for John Kerry or merely criticize George W. Bush are going to hell, and that the U.S. is an explicitly Christian nation and the job of Christians is to bring Christian theological principles into government, and who bring in speakers who say the conflict in the Middle East is God's punishment on Jews for rejecting Jesus, and everyone can still think you're just a good church-going Christian, but if you're black and friends with a black pastor who has noted (as have Colin Powell and the U.S. Department of Defense) that terrorist attacks are often the result of U.S. foreign policy and who talks about the history of racism and its effect on black people, you're an extremist who probably hates America.

White privilege is not knowing what the Bush Doctrine is when asked by a reporter, and then people get angry at the reporter for asking you such a "trick question," while being black and merely refusing to give one-word answers to the queries of Bill O'Reilly means you're dodging the question, or trying to seem overly intellectual and nuanced.

White privilege is being able to claim your experience as a POW has anything at all to do with your fitness for president, while being black and experiencing racism is, as Sarah Palin has referred to it a "light" burden.

And finally, white privilege is the only thing that could possibly allow someone to become president when he has voted with George W. Bush 90 percent of the time, even as unemployment is skyrocketing, people are losing their homes, inflation is rising, and the U.S. is increasingly isolated from world opinion, just because white voters aren't sure about that whole "change" thing. Ya know, it's just too vague and ill-defined, unlike, say, four more years of the same, which is very concrete and certain.

White privilege is, in short, the problem.