taking you old school...


now you know i had to do it...i told myself...i said "self...you're supposed to be writing this book...you need to save these words or face some form of corporal punishment"...but once i smelled that foreign air...shoooot...you know "self' couldn't resist...now turn to your neighbor and say "neighbor, i don't know why the hell i'm talking to you when i should be reading the most interesting blog posted this week...about europe...in english...containing the term extravaganzicificatiotarinorium"

now where should i begin...oh yeah...my intro...ahem...what up folks...it's your boy mikecraig...aka mr dirty thirty...

i know it's early but i'd like to pause for a second, if i may to reflect on the "i'm so hot still" b-day weekend extravaganzicificatiotarinorium...i would def like to thank all who made that trip out west to help your boy say hello to tre O...to those that missed it...you really really missed it...special shouts to my co host for the weekend...r dailey and s baxter...also thanks to those who couldn't attend but were still thoughtful enough to hit me with those birthday shouts through email, text, phone calls, myspace msg and comments, facebook wall postings and msgs, cards sent through the usps sans cash, cookie boxes, cookie canisters and telepathic "i really forgot your birthday but you know i still love you's"...and now back to our regularly scheduled foolishness...

...aka mr "you ain't got enough stamps in your passport to cuf with young michael...international"...aka mr "i wish he would get started already"...aka mr "it's my blog i'll write when i want to" ...as has become customary since nov 2001, when my passport gets a new stamp, you get a new story...or series of stories...so here's how this trip should unfold:

3/11 early pm- leave la and all the b-day love...
3/11 later pm - post up in ohare for a few hours before making that huge leap across the pond
3/12 am - arrive in london uk
3/12 pm - jump over to munich germany
3/13 pm - bounce up to hamburg germany (layover in london)
3/17 am - shoot over to barcelona spain (layover in london)
3/22 am - back to london (go hard in london for one night)
3/23 pm - another european tour bites the dust...

i don't know about you, but i'm tired just thinking about it...

3/12 local time 11:13 am
ok...wrinkle number 1...my flight to chicago, became my flight to jfk...apparently my suitcase wasn't quite ready to leave the country so he decided to chill in jfk a little longer...and of course he decided not to let me know...so imagine my surprise as i go to claim my bag and there are no more bags left to claim...so i walk to the baggage service counter...within the first 37 seconds of standing there, i was informed that my bag didn't make the london flight...no shit...but i appreciated the prompt response...but i was wondering...since they obviously knew...couldn't they have just told me that while i was on the plane...like "i have some connecting flight information and oh, by the way...mr craig, you going to baggage claim now would be like a parapalegic getting a 43 minute butt massage...time consuming and pointless"...or "you walkin outta here with your bag is like a man with no arms trying to do a cart wheel...prolly not gon happen"...ooh...or "your bag is in the land of seven year olds' front teeth, shaq's free throws and black fathers... "missing"...but the dude seemed cool enough, we came up with a plan that should help me reconnect with my bag fairly soon and i went off to get acclamated to my new uk surroundings...but i forgot to turn my currency calculator on as i proceeded to spend 51 pounds ($102) on jeans, 23 pounds ($46) on draws and 27 pounds ($54) on undershirts...me and mr american airlines are going to have long talk or a short talk and a big misunderstanding when i get back...

3/14 local time 3:43 pm
hamburg we have a problem...since i was only in munich for 1 day, i told the airline not to forward the bag there...just thought it would be easier to have them send it to the next stop on the "b-day afterglow european tour" which was hamburg...i must've been mistaken because it is now wed and the bag is somewhere between hamburg and lost...and my guess is it's closer to lost...and to compound my hamburg problems a wee bit, i get to my rental car, with the gps system i requested only to find said system in german...SCHEISSE...that's every curse word in german...unfortunately my german is not exactly fluent...i know how to count to 3 and as you can see...how to curse...and that's really only good for counting how many pairs of draws i currently have in my possesion...and expressing my displeasure...lucky for me, i was the last car to be picked up that night and the avis guy saw me sobbing on his way out...ok, i wasn't really crying i was just trying to wash my cheeks with salt water...daang...any way...he asked me if all was well...i informed him that i had not seen "well" in a few days, but if we could get this gps joint into english i might be able to track it down...michael said it and it is done...

3/15 local time 1:12 am
my bag showed up today...and i just rediscovered german tv after midnight...i don't know exactly what they're selling but from the visuals it must be some kind of breast/vaginal cream...

3/17 local time 6:12 am
just got in from the "reeperbahn" in hamburg...it's the red light/club district in the city...i came across one of those black hip hop parties that i so enjoyed on previous trips to germany...this one was actually even better...from the moment i walked in, i felt like i was the "scheisse"...i was standing on the side of the dance floor gripping my newly purchased jack and cola when i noticed mad chicks starting to congregate in front of me...grindin on each other like they do in all of my club dreams... side bar...watching people dance in germany is probably a glimse into how white people in the us would dance if they didn't have bet to immulate... so as a stood there in near amazement one of the bouncers/dj's friends invited me up to the vip section...and all i could think was "damn...it get's better than this"...must be the copper wings on the new rocawear jacket...so now that my drinks were covered for the rest of the night i made myself comfortable between a couch and said bucket o' dranky drank...about 29 mins later they decided to have a 100 euro "shake your (woman private)" contest...which i now had a front row seat to...not quite as liberal as those spur of the moment skin to win contest back at fam...but entertaining none the less...throughout the night i found out that they had mad brothels and for 50 euro you can "make party with girls"...if only i hadn't bought that drink...the winner of the contest did offer to ride back to the hotel with me since my german wasn't so good (i must be wearing 30 well)...but after seeing what she did in that contest, i had to turn that down...got a flight to catch in a few hours and having a heart attack would probably make me late...now i guess i'll have to "make party with myself"...

3/17 local time 7:41 pm
so we arrived in barcelona today via british airways flight 480...in economy class...i never knew there was anything less than coach...maybe because on most flights there isn't...but on this particular flight...this flight right here...this flight right here ninja...there was such a thing...i felt like i was on soul plane...the seats were less cushioned and smaller...our tv monitor was in black and white...they didn't give us any safety instructions...the lavratory was a hole out the side of the plane...so when people went in, everybody on that side of the plane had to let their windows back up...as a snack, they just passed around a bag of sun flower seeds...unsalted...and a jug of red drink...and the only time the flight attendant came back there was to shush us so the rest of the passengers could enjoy their massages...and i think she said something about lap dances...but we made it safely and i guess that's all that matters...

3/18 local time 6:32 am
...and i'm slightly innebreated...ini...innebriated...whatever...i'll let the spell check catch it...we caught dinner shortly after we arrived in barcelona and had some of the livest paella the world has ever seen...that pan was chocked full of sea creatures...most of which were dead...it was time consuming yet vurr tasty...following dinner i decided i needed to be apart of the barcelona night life...so decided to go back to the room and mentally prepare myself for whatever the city had to offer...a funny thing happened on the way back out the door...i tripped over the bed and ended up sleeping until 1:45 am...in alot cities and for a lot of people that means game over...but i was positive i wasn't gonna be able to get back to sleep so i decided to test that 30 yr old stamina...you know i used to beat that block...now i...still beat that block...my hotel is located real close to la rambla where a lot of activity takes place...i jumped out in them streets...one thing i try to keep in mind when strolling through foreign city streets late at night is trying not to look like a mark...so no rolling dolo...uncheck...always have an idea where you're going before you leave...uncheck...and always know the address of the place you're staying...uhh...hmm...maybe i should've thought this through...oh and if you ever end up on a street where they are smoking crack in the open, you've probably made a wrong turn...and if you're not very careful, you may end up financing that next round of crack...after making two such wrong turns i decided the 3rd time probably wouldn't be the charm so i hailed the next taxi and told him to drop me off at the corner of safe and sound...the spot he ended up taking me to played almost all spanish house techno...which meant my time there had to be short lived...not far away was the olympic port where they had a series of bars and smoking/drinking lounges...i settled in there...barcelona has some bad chicks and i have some bad spanish...in this case 2 negatives don't make a positive...i did manage to make a couple friends...even got a number that i have no idea how to dial...probably for the best since i can't point at stuff and draw pictures over the phone...by the way by new spanish name is "wingman de guapo"...

3/22 local 4:14 pm
work, weird sleeping habits and a european cold front has made the rest of the week slightly uneventful...i did manage to make it out for one more night of tomfoolery in barcelona though...too tame to really document though...

so on my last day in the city my diddy complex kicked in and i decided to rent a yacht to cruise the mediterranean for a couple hours...cuz that's kinda what i do these days...how can you beat sunny skies and 6 or 7 scantly clad spanish chicas whispering that espaniol...now imagine for a second that any syllable of that were true...guess what you would've been able to tell me...let me tell you what you would've been able to tell me................................................................. nutchin...so the yacht was more like a pair of jordan 5's...and the mediterranean was more like a crowded street...and those scantly clad chicas were actually pigeons...but i'm pretty sure they spoke spanish...

i was this close (imagine me holding my fingers as if i were pinching the nipple of an anorexic midget) to making it happen though...that whole language barrier had me feeling like i was on the verge of being had...so i stepped down and decided to walk through the streets in the daytime...just to see how life unfolds on a work day...oddly enough it looked like the weekend...must've been all the tourist...i decided to stop and grab a bite and some people watchage on one of these busy streets...so i'm sitting there...fork in hand...as this cat walks by in what looked to be some tight black draws...i heard a lot of the on lookers gasp and such...apparently they had never seen tight black draws in public before...at that moment the guy decided to do a 180 and face in my direction...it unfolded like a scene from a horrible dream...almost in slow motion...as his turn was completed, i found myself face to face with his "mr. snufflefucus"...those weren't draws...it was a "draws" tattoo...uh...check please....

on another note...i've been following this story (not by choice) about the pakistan cricket coach who died peacefully in his sleep following his team being ousted from world cricket championship...well turns out his dying wasn't so peaceful after all...he died by "asphyxiation by manual strangulation"...he got choked out (b howell and a plana, those slang cards are really coming in handy)...so 4 days after announcing the peaceful sleep scenario, the jamaican authorities held a press conference to discuss their new findings...all i could think was the jamaican csi crew is probably the last group i would want investigating my homocide...i guess strangulation marks and signs of struggle are pretty difficult to see through the "trees"...or maybe they don't get law and order down there...in any event, i've crossed coaching pakistani cricket off of my list of things to do...as a matter of fact, i was sitting up watching cricket and got scared because i started understanding too much of it...so i turned the tv off...locked and latched the hotel door...boobie trapped the window 4 coke bottle caps, some chewed bubble gum and a picture of flavor flav...then i wrapped myself in the word...amen...

3/23 local time 2:10 am
so i was supposed to go hard in london tonight...but nothing softens me up quicker than my first glimpse at the 2007 ncaa college basketball tournament...they were actually showing the games on london tv...besides, it's 34 degrees and raining...and i am a tropical people (what up j brown)...i'll get it next time...man i'm tired as shit and i still got 87 hours of flights ahead of me...

3/26 local time 10:22 am
back on the west coast...safe and sound...since i had planned on getting in them london streets, i got mad pounds left in my wallet...as has become customary i will distribute these to a "few" of my closest associates...
2£ (now that's fancy) - k craig for deciding to make that move...
2£ y caviness for being so quick with london info...that i didn't use...
3£ e rutledge for scooping me from the airport...
1£ j jones for that scrumptious din din...i got faith in you...
3£ k billups for hooking up the sat night joint...
1£ m story for keeping the art of the "shout out" alive...
2£ r lauren for coming through for ya boy in the clutch...that's right...the belt too...
2£ s koiner for ya life...
2£ m joshi for being the msoo...most sought out other...
3.1£ e & a barnes for capturing the cryspus attucks carnage and sharing it with the world...
2£ t h-riley for putting that whole motherhood thing to the side for a weekend...
4£ a rickets and b simmons for never giving up...
1£ w cooper...congrats pimpin...
2£ s bell holding me down for that last hour in london...
3£r dailey and s baxter...you know why...
4£ c gunn for what's about to happen on south beach...
-1£ k robinson for ditching me for manchester...
1£ t parker...strictly based on the way we met...who woulda thunk you'd be around for the 30th...
3£ to the cartwrights for helping add to the drobe...
2£ c strickland for the way you rode that bull...yee friggin ha...
-1£ s quinlan for letting another man come between us...just got your msg...
2£ former uk baskeball coach t smith...just be glad you didn't coach cricket...
-1£ c hampshire...monday morning is unacceptable...
-3£ t noel...you missed it plurr
all remaining £'s to those who floated through LA...and made that weekend so "pure"...i'm forever grateful and glad that everyone...except that one table faced dude...had such a good time...

and fyi...here are the next stops on the b-day tour
lynchburg va 4-1 - 4/3...don't ask...
mia 4/6 - 4/8
munich 4/16 - 4/20

i'm getting too old for this shit...30's the new 20 like fat is the new skinny...or like quarters are the new pennies....


holla atcha boi.....................................