Thursday, January 07, 2010

2009 status updates --revisited...


thanks to a "facebook user" who has begged to remain anonymous, i now have a more comprehensive list of my 2009 statuses...at least the ones they liked...so if you ever find yourself wondering exactly what i was thinking on june 13th 2009...well...you'll have to keep wondering because these don't have any dates on them...and actually...some of these i don't even remember...

when I’m alone in my room sometimes i stare at the wall…and in the back of my mind i hear my conscience call…but i never pick up…

...on a hundred thousand trill....let's just say it's up there...

needs a hype man to fill these awkward pauses in his twitter/facebook activity...jerome...where's my mirror...

is mcsancho...

wants to find a nice clean patch of grass to hump...trying to make mother earth feel good on her big day... happy earth day…

is about to break up with the work week...it's not you it's m....wait...actually it is all you...

is trying to put the 'hump' back in 'hump day'...get ur mind out of the gutter...i'm talking about going camel shopping...

yeah being black is cool but i'm just glad we have a president that actually sounds like he comes up with his own answers...

swine flu got me scared to shake hands...all controversial fist bumps and booty pats for a while...good play mr. janitor...good play...

thinks boston and chicago will have to play game 7 on xbox...

leaned over and kissed the work week gently on the cheek...he has no intentions of being around when she wakes up...deuces...

wants to befriend la weather on facebook...

my seis de mayo is really upset with my cinco de mayo right now...

is pouring out a little black tea for the big homie m.e.c. (5/11/52 - 4/25/86)...don't worry...i got it...

went to turn his swag on this morning only to realize he had left it on the night before...swag bill is gonna be sky high this month...

is the most interesting man in his apartment...

finally got around to slumdog millionaire...that jamal doo doo dive...premium theatrics...oh...and add freida pinto to my christmas list...

is still listing "commitment" as an area of opportunity...

dear workweek, after carefully reviewing ur application I have decided to move in a different direction...

just dusted off the clubs and got his young tiger woods on...really young...like the "still in the womb" version...

i just put on mint deo that i didn't even know i owned...now i smell like i got jumped by a box of altoids...still fonky fresh though...

did my security guard just try to sell me weed...gotta work on looking more professional and snitch-like...

is about to cop some school clothes...jc pennys here we come...cue the theme music...

apparently my neighbors are afraid the lakers won't be able to find their way back to staples...setting fires to generate smoke signals...

is currently being lectured to by mon morning on the ills of sun night tomfoolery...and bacon wrapped hotdogs...

wonders what was the key ingredient in scooby snacks that made them so delectable to dogs and humans alike...

mr. pillow, please let my head go...there is still much work to do...

dear beyonce...replace "a ring" with "your thing" then we can talk...that is all...

the 'the way you make me feel' video really taught me how to stalk...

just got laid off...and a star wars lunch box...life is good...

the scent of my imminent unemployment fills the air...it smells of rich mahogany, sweet jasmine and beef flavored ramen...

must not get that many handsome gents in purcell ok...folks in the shell station staring at me like I was glowing...

feels like god has the heat lamp focused on dallas to keep us hot so he doesn't have to make up a new batch of humans today...

I think the sign that said 'clean restrooms' was more of a suggestion than a declaration...alabama stand up...

8 days 12 states 5 time zone changes...and now an internship interview...just hope i packed my red bull colonge and amp aftershave...

just found an atl el pollo loco and one tear sprinted down my left cheek and leaped onto my pant leg...this must be what love feels like...

wishes beyonce would get fat so she could no longer fit into my dreams...

dear atl, I'm almost finished unpacking...please ready the rose petals and red carpets...

ladies...dark nail polish makes it look like you've been thumping homeless people...with all fingers...if that's even possible...

is in desperate need of a haircut...i feel like i have on a mink beret...

wondering if donating old football cleats might give some crackhead an inordinate advantage over the already undermanned atl police force...

having a washer and dryer in the crib definitely changed the clean/dirty standards...

is packing for this wilderness trip...where did i put my ax murderer repellent...

jesus loves me...this i know...for the $1.99 whole rotisserie chickens at boston market tell me so...

just got back from "hooping" ...now i'm trying to find a way to put bandages on my lungs because i'm sure they're broken...

just lost another game of bathtub marco polo...

are urinal separators really that expensive...

"no offense but offensive ish offensive ish offensive ish..."

note to self...usain bolt is not a good pick pocket target...

those nobel prize things seem cool...anybody know where i can get one...oh wait...you're suppose to work for it...hmmm....

is about to hit the gym...and by "hit" i mean think about going then come up with something else to do...like hit the books...yeah...

i just had a long talk with myself...but i just tuned it out...

I both salute and detest you mr. open bar inventor...

keep on...put ya rhinestones on...don't stop til you get enough...

thinkin about the good ole days when i was a whippersnapper...used to try to get a kiss but now...now i just take old man naps...

on bourbon st...I'm pretty sure this is how 7am flights get missed...

i'm a grown man...my leg don't "stank"...and my booty don't " do"...just thought you should know...

you can get with this or you can get with that...i'll give you a couple minutes to discuss amongst yourselves...

thanks to delta air your boy was at target at 8am copping an interview suit...the tarmani was cold but will probably never be worn again...

obama should bring oregon's lagarrette blount to the next cong address to cut down on some of that chatter...

econ final tomorrow and i'm realizing jack daniels is not a productive member of any study group...

waffle house is the meeting spot for people who shouldn't be making their own life decisions...

when ur fire alarm goes off before ur regular alarm a small piece of u kinda hopes the building is really on fire...

dear god, please give chick fil a the ok to stay open on sundays so that i may more oft enjoy its glorious deliciousness...amen...

there's something in jack daniels that makes me crave pancakes...I smell a joint venture...this is what they teach us in b school...

is about to get back on this paper after taking 15 consecutive 10 minute breaks...

dang...i meant to get my sexy out of the cleaners this weekend so i could wear it to school tomorrow...

obama is a nazi? stupidity must be on sale this week...

2 yrs for plax...the nfl is turning into the prison d-league...

i got a naked picture of serena williams in the mail today....thanks #espnthemagazine...

but seriously...I've never seen a bathroom attendant and said 'hey I'm glad u're here...

the jheri curl era was a dark period in african american history...

when life hands you lemons, take them and throw them at people you don't like...glenn beck you better start ducking...

can i sue oprah if she violates me in a dream...

sometimes I wish my life had family guy cut-aways...

finance instead of football on a saturday afternoon is not the way god intended...i'm never going back to bschool again...

if i was your accountant...you'd probably end up in jail...i'm just sayin...

done with my exams now I'm looking for my shot like von wafer...

my ego will be in them streets tonight while i'll probably be at home reading text from him about how well the eve is going...

she smells like fresh bath water...

i am convinced that the best sleep occurs on mon morning in the 17 minutes before the alarm goes off...

my procrastination procrastinates...

I'm starting to think the red plastic solo cup is one of my classmates...he keeps showing up at all of our functions...

my life is like a movie for people with low expectations for their entertainment...

i'm sitting at home...dressed as a disappointment to my younger self...happy halloween

the dc sniper was executed by lethal injection...where's a good sniper when you actually need one...

just shared morning special time with 2 ladies...aunt jemima and mrs. butterworth...yaawn...don't judge me...

she's little and cute...I want to make her my belt buckle..

no matter how short, thanksgiving grace is always too long...

tiger...let me hold that phone while you get your life together...it's getting cold in the a...

them streets keep callin...I'm trying to pretend like I'm not home but I don't think it's working...

no more oprah...now where do I go for names of books I've never read to discuss on first dates...at least she gave us a 10 mo warning...

still awaiting the day you can have a signal fade/call drop during an in person conversations so i can start faking them too...

nickels bigger than dimes so that u can more easily relate the nickel vs dime concept to the club scene...

preparing to lay with this accounting final...after that, I plan to never call her again...

upstairs neighbors made jungle love this morning while i spooned my finance book...but i gotta feeling finance will be screwing me soon...

final paper turned in...I'm now officially qualified to run a quarter of ur business...time to bathe in cognac...

most people ask why...I ask why not tonight...

techno music makes me want to headbutt something sharp...

u ever pause & think about how good your life is and then realize u're actually thinking about an episode of entourage and begin to weep...

techno makes me want to hunch an active beehive...and I mean that...

almost bought a snuggie last night...and by snuggie i mean a street walker that went by the name "snuggie"...but i held off..cuz i'm poor...

me and techno music met to discuss our issues this morning and decided in order to keep the peace we should just keep our distance...

so I hate when u park...leave ur coat...drink...forget where u parked...and die from hypothermia...yeah I hate that...

u might not think I invented it but u'll know I read the manual a few times...

the sign says 'employees must wash hands' but the empty soap dispenser kinda cripples that mandate...btw...u can keep those nuggets...

y does Santa have to be so thorough with his list checking...I'm good with the 1st pass but that 2nd check always gets me eliminated...

'taco bueno' should be called 'taco ok' or the spanish equivalent...bueno is definitely a bit of an overstatement...

sweet smells emanating from the kitchen...i'm ready to engage in some animal cruelty with my 3 favorite ladies...merry christmas people...

just a friend made me feel sorry for b markie until I realized he tried to talk to a girl named blah blah blah...that's never a good look...

i got rollover resolutions...why come up with new ones when the ones from last year are just like new...

if chick-fil-a were a woman I would leave inappropriate comments on her facebook page...

just touched down in miami...the plan is to start off 2010 in debt, in love and in-ebriated...

lisa raye just asked me for my number...or she said excuse me...I couldn't really tell...

4 am and I'm throwing on my wingman uniform...

ladies u still have about 12 hrs to fulfill that 09 resolution of meeting the man of ur dreams...ahem...

last night I lost the car...this morning I remembered I didn't have one...whew...

just bumped into my archnemesis the bathroom attendant and once again he shorted me on paper towels...

I'm sorry 2009...it's not u...it's me...ah haaaa...